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7.27.2010

allow myself to breathe

I have been struggling a bit with "life" for a lack of a better term, lately. I don't write about my feelings and struggles on this blog often.  I think I have a hard time putting that part of me "out there".   I try to keep a positive outlook and have a hard time admitting out loud that I'm not always positive.

I have had feelings of fear and anxiety coupled with constant movement lately.  I wonder sometimes do I move about from one thing to the next simply because I yearn to explore and learn or is it something else?  Do I move because I am running from something or running towards something?  Am I fearful of being still with my thoughts or that I will lose my "creative momentum" when I stop?  I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best I can be in all areas of my life but, sometimes I wonder what all this business of being busy is for?

My house isn't organized as I would like.  My children and husband aren't getting as much time with me as I would like.  My family doesn't live as close as I would like. My personal goals for this year are not as complete as I would like. My artwork isn't as creative as I would like.  My portfolio isn't showcasing my art and design work as I would like. And the list goes on ...

This loop of consciousness has been occurring more and more lately.  And with it comes a lack of focus, a lack of care, a lack of motivation, a lack of love for myself and my life.  What is my life about?  I used to be so confident in myself, my goals, my life, my direction but right now it is all hazy.

I need to step back, find focus and allow myself to breathe.